It is June 17 approximately 1:30 AM and I can not stop thinking about how much of a failure I felt this morning. Just when I thought I was done and over with high school, reality snaps and I realize that although graduation is near, it has not yet approached.
One more week.
All year I have felt stuck between a fine line of wanting to stay young forever or growing older with life. Evidently, I am afraid of such drastic changes that come along with a ton of responsibility. Responsibility can be a good thing but who on earth looks forward to having to gain more responsibilities? And why is it that adults tend to think teenagers have enough time to do things that do not mean anything to us at the moment? Sure, their intentions are to help us step into the "real world" but do they not know we have more on our minds? We are caught up between understanding our bodies, losing and gaining friends, losing and gaining boyfriends, trying to rebuild self- confidence, trying to get a job, and determining what means something to us and what doesn't. The worst thing to do to a confused teen is load them up with meaningless work while they are trying to figure out what they want in life and what life means to them.
Thanks, high school. You really gave me a blast.
Teenage angst? I know.
Since I was about 8 I was eagerly waiting for high school to arrive. I grew up attracted to teen films that showcased the exact opposite of what high school is truly like. I longed for a certain kind of freedom and reckless abandon where I was able to make mistakes to learn from. Reality strikes yet again to disappoint. I did make mistakes, but they were surely not welcomed and I was faced with consequences. It is no wonder teenagers are called young adults. What is the point of having expectations for us to act like adults if we are not even considered one and have adults condescendingly teasing us?
What these teachers have done is make me feel behind and degraded my existence. It is the most infuriating thing to see authority abuse their power.
And that is exactly what happened this morning.
I was given the news I failed my Economics class and was threatened not to graduate. Fortunately enough, I was given the chance to make up work due the day BEFORE my graduation. Not that my guidance counselor is too excited about this opportunity because this means unnecessary added work for her. The pressure is on and senioritis kills. This is possibly one of the worst scenarios for me as I am my mother's first graduate and because she did not graduate high school herself, this means the absolute world to her. Her dream come true. If anything, this whole year felt like she was the one graduating. Imagine the horror if I did not graduate. Heart breaking. I love you, mom. I won't let you down any more than I have- I promise.
However, although it might be my fault I have low attendance... it was certainly not called for or needed to attack me. My Economics teacher, a relatively new teacher, felt this need to humiliate me in front of the teachers I grew up with for four years. News flash, Mr.Insecure: You do not need to take your bitterness and anxiety of having to please everyone on me.
I will thank him for one thing and one thing only though- before this morning, I did not care for graduating because it felt like an obligation rather than an honor.
But once I get my diploma and know it is all finally over, I can begin a new life for myself.
No more waking up to metal detectors and hate-filled security guards giving me lifeless looks. (Which FYI: No way in hell would I choose a career that made me that miserable. I can not possibly imagine the motivation they lack when waking up - high school repeated.)
Stepping foot into that high school instantly brought upon a negative energy running through me that now I can not wait to shake off.
Sounds scary but exhilarating, doesn't it?
Now let us hope my expectations and hopes for college do not turn out the way my expectations for high school did.
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